name hidden under blades of grass
you're buried in the cemetery off the big boulevard, across from the tire shop; name hidden under blades of grass. sometimes when i drive past, i feel my stomach flip, and an indescribable ache in my chest. the yearning to have you in the present, beside me, has been unbearable.
mom said you were the most beautiful baby she had ever seen, though mothers always profess this, i believe it to be true. she had three days with you, and i had none. instead, i created half a lifetime of memories with you, and feel guilt for doing so.
the expectations i place on you are unreasonable, unattainable. i want you to be my shield, to protect me from the childhood that choked so much life from my tiny body. i wanted to know hands that would not harm me, but you would never grow into them.
i try to imagine you, my older brother, as you were, a newborn baby. both of your delicate hands would fit into one of mine now. i have turned into your protector, trying desperately to save the memory of your short life, name hidden under blades of grass.
our poor parents couldn't afford a head stone, and prove existence of your life with only a marker stone. i want to sit beside you, and send you my heart through six feet of earth. i want to bring you flowers, but the flowers are like a mirror of you; a living thing that has but a few days but to grace us with it's beauty.
our mom has pointed in the direction of where you are buried, "somewhere over there. i'm not sure anymore", she says. your marker stone lies on a rounded slope, and the staff stopped mowing the grass above you; name hidden under blades of grass.
please know i've searched for you my whole life, forgive me, my dearest brother. i try to fill the holes in my heart with the memories of you i have created, but nothing fills the void.
forgive me, jerome, o meu coração. name hidden under blades of grass.